I do it to distance myself from everything that's real. Sometimes the real catches up to me and that is when I am in big trouble. ( furyCollapse )
I've been sleeping a lot, I think. I haven't been eating much. I cook soup now only so I can let it get cold before consumption because I can't hang with hot soup these days. Saturday is Joyce's birthday and I am in ruin because I am wondering how I can get there with no hitches. The last time something really important happened and I was supposed to be there, the bridge was closed. There is NO way I could have predicted that. It was a WEDNESDAY and it was the MIDDLE OF THE DAY.
My brother forgave me but I still feel like shit about it. Every time I see him I apologise. I would never forgive him if he missed my graduation, but then, he wouldn't. He is blessed. He is also nice. Stupidly nice. I used to hate him for being such an idiot and now I am scared he will be too nice and end up dead because he has faith and trust. As much as I wanted to see him dead before, I don't now.
I am sorry now. I am realising now how important family is, even if it IS adoptive.
My mom had a brush with death when she was young; her car door came open and her head was nearly skimming the pavement. Her sister (blood sister) did not say anything, and my mom had to pull herself back inside the car.
30 or so years later, her (blood) sister told her that she never said anything to their parents because she wanted her to die. She also said that their parents didn't care enough to stop the car. This, also was not true (they just didn't realise what was happening), because when her father needed help living, he chose to live with US.. even though we were poor instead of my aunt, the older sister, who had money AND an extra room.
After the whole "they'd let you die" debacle, my aunt when my mom was almost 50, told my mother that she was an accident and that her mother (who died when she was 7) hated her and always blamed her for getting sick.
My aunt made my mom cry like nothing I had ever seen. My mom forgave her. I don't know if it was because she could always forgive her big sister or what. When my aunt broke her hip, my mom was with her ASAP. When my mom had a soccer-ball sized tumour and was afraid she was going to die, my aunt was nowhere to be found, and ultimately I lost my job because I had to take care of her. Whatever, it was a shit job anyway. The part that bothered me was that I would have to list them as a former employer and they would give me a shitty reccomendation, regardless of family issues.
Even with all that, my mom forgives AND STILL LOVES her big sister. If it was me, I'd have put a HIT on her vengeful freakish 60-year-old head. Lucky for her it's not me. Ever since I have seen how she hurt my mom, I will NEVER have the same respect for her that I used to have, and whenever I introduce her to people I say, "This is Judy, my mom's sister."
She always looks at me in a weird way, and says, "I'm her aunt." when she shakes peoples' hands. I hope, though, every time I call her Judy and leave off the word 'aunt' but go out of my way to call her husband 'Uncle' it hurts. I make sure to call her children my cousins, too, but ever since she fucked with my mom, I will never call her aunt to her face ever again, regardless of blood.
Joy. One of Judy's children wants "us" all to come to her house for Thansgiving. I told my mom to just give her my regards but she wants me there.
If it wasn't for the fact that I lived in fear that she and my father are soon going to die, I would have disagreed. Now I have to be extra-careful and extra-close so that nothing shitty and beyond my control can happen to prevent it.