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Sunday, July 25th, 2010
12:25 am - Danzig
I would like to knock boots to the song 'Mother' by Danzig (OR WHATEVER) but apparently, some people think it is not a sexy song. That bothers me.

Oh, hello. How are you? I am fine.


(if 1 kiss can't hold the man you love, then your tears won't bring him back!)

Wednesday, August 19th, 2009
7:36 pm
Riga is missing.

Stefan is making posters with pictures of her.


current mood: worried

(bring him back!)

Friday, June 26th, 2009
11:24 pm - The Man In The Mirror
My work is a zoo ever since Michael Jackson died.


(if 1 kiss can't hold the man you love, then your tears won't bring him back!)

Wednesday, February 11th, 2009
9:05 pm - Tears In Heaven?? Really?!?
I don't know why it's so quiet tonight. Usually there is music or television of some variety, but it's ultimate quiet tonight.

That said, Missy's bathroom shares a wall with mine, and he is in his bathroom. I hear clinking, so I suspect he is organising his medicine cabinet. I also hear him talking and singing to himself.

It sort of sounds like "Tears In Heaven".



current mood: amused/bewildered

(if 3 kisses can't hold the man you love, then your tears won't bring him back!)

Wednesday, February 4th, 2009
12:33 am - "'No Man's Land' Is An All-Girl Series"
Went out with Joey to a porn store*. Then we went to dinner. I had a very good time.

When I got home, Stefan was in the common area making dinner. He was holding a beer. I love it when he holds beer, because I can shake it. He makes angry cat noises when I shake his beer.

I shook it, it started fizzing uncontrollably. I started giggling.

"THIS is not for you to SHAKE, CHILD!!" he said. He was agitated.

Then I laughed so hard that my liver fell out.

*Apparently people who work at adult establishments don't call girl-on-girl porn "lesbian porn". They call it "all-girl porn". They still call boy-on-boy porn gay, which frustrates me. Why don't they extend the same courtesy and call it "all-boy porn" or even better "NOTHING BUT MANLOVE UP IN HERE"? That would pretty much make my day.

Pray for me.


current mood: childish and shaking things

(if 1 kiss can't hold the man you love, then your tears won't bring him back!)

Monday, April 14th, 2008
1:27 pm - Wearing Clothes From A Wildcat's Hide
Dreadfully windy today. Do you think that California's number has finally been drawn for twisters? We've got so many other natural disasters, it seems fitting.

Wasn't there some sort of twister warnings semi-recently in So. Cal, or did I make that up? Perhaps it was the tabloids. Speaking of tabloids, there was a headline in The Enquirer talking about a pregnant man's suicide attempt.

Stefan's response was gold:

"That's not a baby! That's a beer belly! Oh well, he's got the right idea. If I was pregnant... or if I had a beer belly that big, I'd try to kill myself, too."

He also made me talk like Nimbly all night while he sipped martinis.



current mood: unnerved

(if 1 kiss can't hold the man you love, then your tears won't bring him back!)

Tuesday, February 19th, 2008
10:10 pm - You're Creepin' Me Out, Man
Stefan just said, "Katie! You're like a re-re with a speech impediment!"

When my response was laughter, he said, "What, you like that? It's true."


current mood: amused

(if 2 kisses can't hold the man you love, then your tears won't bring him back!)

Thursday, April 19th, 2007
2:03 pm - I'll Only Come Here Seeking Peace
Recently, I have noticed that the older I get, the DUMBER I get. I don't know whether it is failure of memory or failure of retention or things of that nature, but honestly, every day that I grow older, I get more and more 'simple'.

Another thing I have noticed, though, is that the dumber I get, the happier I am.

I used to wonder if ignorance truly was bliss. I speak from experience: IT IS.

Using the definition of 'ignorance' loosely to coincide with the definition 'dumber than a bag of hammers', I must say... ignorance IS bliss.

For once, I appreciate being an idiot, because only someone so dumb as me could appreciate this blessing for what it is.



current mood: at peace

(if 1 kiss can't hold the man you love, then your tears won't bring him back!)

Wednesday, September 27th, 2006
4:36 pm - Hell Above The Water
I do it to distance myself from everything that's real. Sometimes the real catches up to me and that is when I am in big trouble.

furyCollapse )

I've been sleeping a lot, I think. I haven't been eating much. I cook soup now only so I can let it get cold before consumption because I can't hang with hot soup these days. Saturday is Joyce's birthday and I am in ruin because I am wondering how I can get there with no hitches. The last time something really important happened and I was supposed to be there, the bridge was closed. There is NO way I could have predicted that. It was a WEDNESDAY and it was the MIDDLE OF THE DAY.

My brother forgave me but I still feel like shit about it. Every time I see him I apologise. I would never forgive him if he missed my graduation, but then, he wouldn't. He is blessed. He is also nice. Stupidly nice. I used to hate him for being such an idiot and now I am scared he will be too nice and end up dead because he has faith and trust. As much as I wanted to see him dead before, I don't now.

I am sorry now. I am realising now how important family is, even if it IS adoptive.

My mom had a brush with death when she was young; her car door came open and her head was nearly skimming the pavement. Her sister (blood sister) did not say anything, and my mom had to pull herself back inside the car.

30 or so years later, her (blood) sister told her that she never said anything to their parents because she wanted her to die. She also said that their parents didn't care enough to stop the car. This, also was not true (they just didn't realise what was happening), because when her father needed help living, he chose to live with US.. even though we were poor instead of my aunt, the older sister, who had money AND an extra room.

After the whole "they'd let you die" debacle, my aunt when my mom was almost 50, told my mother that she was an accident and that her mother (who died when she was 7) hated her and always blamed her for getting sick.

My aunt made my mom cry like nothing I had ever seen. My mom forgave her. I don't know if it was because she could always forgive her big sister or what. When my aunt broke her hip, my mom was with her ASAP. When my mom had a soccer-ball sized tumour and was afraid she was going to die, my aunt was nowhere to be found, and ultimately I lost my job because I had to take care of her. Whatever, it was a shit job anyway. The part that bothered me was that I would have to list them as a former employer and they would give me a shitty reccomendation, regardless of family issues.

Even with all that, my mom forgives AND STILL LOVES her big sister. If it was me, I'd have put a HIT on her vengeful freakish 60-year-old head. Lucky for her it's not me. Ever since I have seen how she hurt my mom, I will NEVER have the same respect for her that I used to have, and whenever I introduce her to people I say, "This is Judy, my mom's sister."

She always looks at me in a weird way, and says, "I'm her aunt." when she shakes peoples' hands. I hope, though, every time I call her Judy and leave off the word 'aunt' but go out of my way to call her husband 'Uncle' it hurts. I make sure to call her children my cousins, too, but ever since she fucked with my mom, I will never call her aunt to her face ever again, regardless of blood.

Joy. One of Judy's children wants "us" all to come to her house for Thansgiving. I told my mom to just give her my regards but she wants me there.

If it wasn't for the fact that I lived in fear that she and my father are soon going to die, I would have disagreed. Now I have to be extra-careful and extra-close so that nothing shitty and beyond my control can happen to prevent it.


current mood: conflicted

(if 1 kiss can't hold the man you love, then your tears won't bring him back!)

Friday, September 22nd, 2006
12:45 pm - My Spine Needs You
If less is more, then there's no end to me.

Pongo can suck it. That British woman looks like a who. I can't explain it any further than that except for that she irritates me because I know what they look like from personal experience. I look like one. So I know. I can hate on it because I know first hand how much it sucks to look like that.

I am having this war with Daniel. It's like a cold war. Sort of. He got a Playstation 2 a few months ago. I was pissed. See, I'm really into [and have a bit of a problem coping with my obsessive] product loyalty. So that meant that I was obsessed with SNES. Then I got bored one day and raided his Xbox. At first I hated it. I thought it was too many buttons and it was too confusing and OH MY GOD why did it have TWO joysticks? One was hard enough. Eventually, I got used to it and became obsessed. I played through the same game two or three times.

I felt that was justified as I had just learned a new system and felt I would be DAMNED before I would learn more than one game on it.

Then he got the PS2. He started bringing home new games.

"Are they Xbox?"

"No, sorry. PS2."

Then I wouldn't really talk to him. For the rest of the night.

After a while, he got this game for his PS2 that I liked. I might have liked the others, but I was too pissed off to notice. I don't know I was so pissy about his game systems in general because as a rule, I don't like to play them. I just like to watch other people play. Not back-seat gamer, either. I don't tell them what to do, I just really, honestly like to watch. There is one exception. Daniel has a habit of rushing through levels and won't notice treasure chests and the like, but other than that, I generally do not speak unless giving a verbal high-five.

After he got this PS2 game, I got curious. By curious I mean I braved the land of the controller that I had previously claimed to hate and learned to play it. So after I watched him play the 36+ hours worth of this game and beat it, I played through it again on my own. I am currently on my second time through it. In the meantime, Daniel has gotten a new game. That he wants to play. On the PS2.

I find myself now purposely pausing it in places where it's difficult to get to a save point because I am offended that he wants to play a new game. It's HIS fault I am obsessed anyway! He opened the Pandora's Box. This morning, after about a week of stalling, I grudgingly allowed him to rip the game from my bosom so that he could play his new one.

I tried not to look the whole time. When I asked him how he liked it, I was hoping he would tell me that it really sucked. Alas, he actually liked it.


I'm serious.


current mood: thanks for calling me back

(if 2 kisses can't hold the man you love, then your tears won't bring him back!)

Saturday, September 16th, 2006
6:42 pm - Landmark Achievement
I got my first black eye ever. It's on the side with my birthmark, and it's above the lid, not below.

I wish I could take a picture. This is special.


current mood: wowee wow

(if 3 kisses can't hold the man you love, then your tears won't bring him back!)

Friday, June 9th, 2006
6:44 am - I'll Top The Bill, I'll Earn The Kill, I'll Have To Find The Will
...to carry on... with the show.

Most things as of late seem pretty petty. I went to a wedding not too long ago and it was amazing. So many good things recorded and good feelings shared. I am clean-- my hair is big and curly and nice and I am fortunate and I think I won an awesome shirt on e-bay. Tomorrow I get to see my generation's equivalent of the love that I thought would save me.

Despite all the blessings, my eyes are blank and not yet lonesome. I am only blind, and not forsaking, I think. All of the people who I know, and who I am no longer friends with, go out of their way to forsake me. They do not forgive me the trespasses that I am not even aware that I commit. They are not God so they cannot truly judge me, but it still burns.

There is a certain person to whom I am in immense debt because he used to care about me and knew that while my situation was fucked, I hoped and aspired for it to become better and would repay him as soon as I had the means (all of them). Lately, he has forgotten that and is demanding immediate retribution. Not unfair, in the long run, I suppose. Unfair now, most definitely. If I were stable and of an environment where I could remember an address, it would be taken care of. These times, unfortunately, find me in a space where I am ill-equipped. Lucky for [him], it is easily rectified.

I try to live good and right and sometimes I fall. I should not be villified for such. Mostly I am a happy kid but my moods are prone to being darkened by those who wish to be or do evil. In general, I do not consider him an evil-doer-- a total ASSHOLE, yes, but not a conscious evil-doer. I want to give him what he demands so that I can be in peace, but when I am a bit later with it than I thought I could be and he accuses me of being a liar I want to cut off his man-bits (as if he would ever have children anyway, PSH, or even find a lady that would deal with his abusive and passive-aggressive ways) and flush them down the toilet. I may be slow of study and of promise, but it gets done.

I wish I could blame it on need for thrill, but that whole phase is long since past, and now it is more I only wait until the last minute because that is the only minute in which I have the freedom to do what I need. Blaming it on the thrill would ease my mind, but that is not the case.

My hair is big and curly
My heart is big and burly
People still won't forgive
My manner may be surly
Mannerisms are just girly
Stereotypical is not the way I live.

It's a pathetic limerick, but after the wedding where their importance was specified, I don't fucking care.

I'll give you what you lent me
It doesn't mean I won't go on
You had the nerve to call ME petty
Rest alone knowing you are WRONG.


current mood: excuse me?!

(if 7 kisses can't hold the man you love, then your tears won't bring him back!)

Saturday, April 22nd, 2006
10:23 pm - Satan's Claws
You can speculate about it in whichever way you please, but the ultimate truth is that my path to Hell was opened by being employed. Specifically, my last employer.

They opened the portal and I followed in more ways than one. The only thing that matters now is only one is still important and it is luring me ever deeper.

What did the goth surfer say?

Woe, dude.


current mood: black as my soul

(if 3 kisses can't hold the man you love, then your tears won't bring him back!)

Sunday, March 19th, 2006
2:45 pm - Speak To Me In A Language I Can Hear
My friends are more reliant than my parents. When I say 'parents' I of course mean my mother. Whenever I say 'family' I mean 'mother and brother'. My dad has diplomatic immunity because even though he beat the shit out of me until I was 12, he was never bad. He was just imitating what his parents did to him to make him good, and his IS good.

I called Kaiser to schedule an emergency psychiatry appointment and apparently no one works on the weekends. Fuckers. Because no one has problems on the weekends.

I KNOW I have irrational fears, which is why I try to get hold of them by enlisting the help of... oh... I don't know.... KAISER but they are not here.

seriously, too much infoCollapse )

I'm glad I smoke and drink too much. Maybe I will die soon. When people I love are suffering in the hospital, I secretly hope they will die instead of recovering and living some weird half-life. Even if Heaven or whatever doesn't exist, I am quite sure NOT EXISTING warrants less pain than a half-life, or a hospital life, or a bad life.

I don't have kids. I don't have anything really that I need to stick around for, and by the rationale above, someone should definitely pull the plug on me. I was adopted for Pete's sake and therefore unwanted, and with that in mind I should just go. I have been borrowing time better left for the dying or the dead for a long time and I want to just join their ranks. I'd rather be tortured for eternity in Hell than be here and tortured for no reason.


I'd rather be tortured in HELL when I DIE than be tortured WHILE I LIVE for NO REASON


There's one thing though... how do I leave? I mean, first of all, there is no guarantee of Heaven or Hell, so leaving really just constitutes not existing, and if that's it, cool. I would rather not exist than this shit. Then maybe my "mom" would actually feel a fraction as sad as I have felt. Sometimes I think about killing myself just to hurt her.

I am so classy. That is so self-less :)

I put a bandage on my hand injury cos it felt like my nail would break completely off. Sometimes I can't talk, just rant. I screamed at everyone today... not because I was mad at them, just because I was screaming in general.

I screamed at my roommate, Dave, my mom.

It wasn't at them, and I don't think they minded that much cos it wasn't my ultra-sonic screaming, but still. I hate the police and what they did to me, and I think I should sue them if nothing else. Those assholes will never apologise to me so if I sue them, I think it would be awesome if some of their wife-and-kid-having associates had to get laid off cos they can't afford to keep people on when I am through. I hope their wives and children suffer because I am a child of someone and might have been a wife and they STILL fucked up my life. I could understand that maybe if I killed someone, but hey, I DID NOTHING EXCEPT EXIST.

Another reason I shouldn't. Seriously. March 2000 I was supposed to be dead, and instead I was 'saved'. Why do you think I hate Travis so much? LOL.

I can't play the guitar
I can't do a thing
So I'll sit in my corner
I'll just sing


current mood: depressed

(if 8 kisses can't hold the man you love, then your tears won't bring him back!)

Thursday, March 16th, 2006
6:42 am - Why Do You Take It All Away From Me?
I've never had much, but when I had some it was stolen or destroyed, Indian-given or otherwise reclaimed. Just let me be, let me be me. I won't believe you anytime soon cos you would never let me forget what I did to you. They say the total is the sum of all parts, but what if some are missing? You've got no heart.

I think I need some time by myself. Technically, I have been by myself for two days but I still feel so crowded. I'm in that weird frame of mind where I question what I want constantly. I think I know. I had a contented smile the whole time I was thinking about it. My hand stopped hurting but the injury is still gruesome and nothing was this bad since 2nd grade. I drove my car tonight for the first time in like two weeks. I forgot what it was like to drive and pump gas. I am surprised I could drive it at all when I got back from Germany.

Went out to Death Guild last night. Was fun. Got to see kifar, riversprite, wasteddream, nurse_glitch, azaere, rancer, stockjunge, nsferatu, conure_ifau, goblyndick, gunsafety, lollylo, stitchmind, and saab900turbo was nice enough to drive.

Blast, for sure. Stefan and I found sweet close parking and a few drinks were consumed. I was also bestowed with more H obsession by Dave. THANK YOU DAVE. Rumour has it we're going to LA at the end of the month and I am excited. I'm actually glad I made it out. I was sorry to have missed some people but that's the way it goes. It wasn't as packed as Halloween but was still pretty crowded.

A boy came up to me to tell me I had "the raddest hair in the place" and the girl I was with started screaming at him for "trying to be a player" and "only picking up chicks". He turned white as a sheet, and instead of berating him further, she raised my leg to her head level and started screaming about how pretty my boots were. That rules. That girl is totally insane and has mad cleavage. She also really liked the blue barrette that Courtney gave me at the last LoC show.

My hair as of now is bright orange and it was in bouffant pigtails for the anniversary. I was going for a cracked out Toni Basil thing. I think it might've worked. One of my [drunk as all hell] friends came up and put his hands on my hips to talk to me. Apparently we were in very close proximity and I hurt my neck looking up at him because I didn't realise how tall that motherfucker was. I remember noticing his goatee and asking why he was so hairy, which he laughed at profusely.

Last week, Dave got me a really beautiful ring which I will not take off and now feel naked without. I think it is abalone, but maybe I am wrong. I picked it out at a head shop. The only reason I was in said head shop was because of course we were looking for Patchouli oil.

We found it. I always get mad at people for being fadable, and this is an instance. Marty was not awake just now so I poured ice-water on him to wake him up. He is still pissed at me. I am lol-zorz all over the place. He was really mad at me so I poured it all over myself as well in order to prove that it didn't suck so much, but even though I was cold and drenched, he totally wasn't buying it.

I bet Dave would. Usually the shit I do to Dave is non-reciprocal, so I bet if I did that, it would be. I totally vommed today. I hope I am not pregnant. If I was like 10 years older would be like, "WOO PREGNANCY!!" but at present, I am not with a person who wants to have kids EVER. Kinda sucks.

I kinda want to have children since I already spawned like 20, but whatev. Later, I guess. My hands are tied.


current mood: your bugle and your drum

(if 3 kisses can't hold the man you love, then your tears won't bring him back!)

Tuesday, October 25th, 2005
7:45 pm - The Anatomy Of A Crush
I always thought the "too nice" thing was a thinly-veiled excuse that hid the reasoning that one possessed some other despicable physical or personality trait.

Now I know different. Unless I am wrong about it and just being totally hard-headed, arrogant, and butt-hurt.

Has anyone ever denied you because you were 'too nice'? Yeah.


current mood: pissed off

(if 4 kisses can't hold the man you love, then your tears won't bring him back!)

Tuesday, October 11th, 2005
8:36 pm - Accusatory Tones
This one time when I was 19 I was completely suicidal and crying to the point of hysterics. I called my parents for solace (hoping that perhaps they might tell me they love me or something).

That was a pretty stupid idea. I told them I felt so bad I didn't know what to do with myself.

They brought me booze.

To this day I am still pretty convinced they did it to shut me up.


current mood: can't live for tomorrow

(if 4 kisses can't hold the man you love, then your tears won't bring him back!)

Monday, October 3rd, 2005
6:09 am - Can You Feel The Fire, Fire?
Grown-ups are boring.


current mood: can you feel it??

(bring him back!)

Wednesday, September 21st, 2005
10:21 pm - I Think They're On To Us!
Yesterday saw the coming and going of the first rain of the season.

Vomit wine.


current mood: period blood

(if 3 kisses can't hold the man you love, then your tears won't bring him back!)

Thursday, July 28th, 2005
4:21 am - Doors You Haven't Even Opened
I got Vilya in the mail on 7/17/05.

I'm still reeling from it and looking at it in shock. It's a gorgeous sapphire. The ring itself has antique detailing and I don't want to take it off. It's a little big, but otherwise perfect and the 'big' can be remedied.

It is a gorgeous heavy-ass sapphire. See, that's why it's special. Before this, only one person had given me a ring in my life. I got one on my 16th birthday from an abusive fuck that only got me a ring because one of my so-called 'fantasies' involved a guy who was trustful enough to give me a ring without my wanting to flip the fuck out and get married.

That's all fine, whatever, and after that I realised I wanted a guy who was serious enough about me to give me a ring. In general. Not some thousand dollar craziness, but something I could wear [even out of a fifty cent machine] that I could point to and address the fact that I was spoken for. Unfortunately for me, most guys see rings as a terror of the beyond and I never got another. Until now.

It was a gorgeous and belated birthday present-- a sapphire antiqued gorgeous ring that I adore. It's modeled after Elrond's ring. It is amazing, and it was given to me by a male friend who I am not even dating because he undestands 1) my passion for rings 2) my passion for Elrond and 3) is not a total douche. It was a belated birthday gift and I love it to death. Dare I admit I cried when I got it? There it is.

Someone who knows me well enough to know my ring size and to get me something that I really didn't have much to say about. It's worth crazy words.


current mood: ecstatic

(if 2 kisses can't hold the man you love, then your tears won't bring him back!)

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